Heartache

When we left New York I told Danny that it would take me a while before I could watch movies set in NY without crying. Truth is there are a lot of movies set in that magical city. (one may ask why - is it that incredible? and the answer is yes.)

We've been taking advantage of the media room and therefore have on occasion watched a movie set in NY. I thought it would bother me more but I haven't shed a tear yet as a result of watching a movie.

The other night however we were watching something and it made my heart yearn to be there again. I ached for the grimy subway stations where dirt is caked around the bolts in the scaffolding and they have painted over and over the dirt. I hurt for the sticky smoke that billows out of the orange and white tubes for what purpose is still a mystery to me. I wanted to be walking down the sidewalk so that someone hurrying off to work/school/home could brush up against me. 

Most days there is at least a moment where I wish I was home. On the really bad days there is a deep emptiness that seems like it will never be filled.

This Blog's Purpose

99% of the time if I'm having trouble sleeping it is because I have too many thoughts circling in my head. Therefore the fool proof solution to fall asleep quickly is to record these thoughts so that I can revisit them during waking hours. 

This blog was supposed to serve a similar purpose only it was a forum to write thoughts that I was dwelling on during daylight. These thoughts were comprised of moments of sadness and anxiety but also happy moments. Moments of joy that I kept replaying in my mind because I did not want to forget a feeling or an experience. Originally I gravitated to the idea of sending these thoughts into the void - hopeful that they were read by others but not focused on the goal of increased readership. 

Then this blog became a perfect window into our family when Declan was born. It was a way to share our newest love with the ones we loved. 

Eventually what started out as something relaxing, fun, even a little therapeutic turn into its own source of frustration. There was too much feedback and it was no longer something I did for me and therefore I stopped doing it altogether. But I miss writing. I want to document this time in my life and more than ever I need a forum where I can express myself. 

Therefore I have decided to continue to write but to leave posts unpublished. I may publish these in the future but for now I have refocused this blog to again be for me.